Tuesday, December 29, 2009

It was a Very Merry Christmas

We had a wonderful Chrismas this year. It was so much fun watching Ronin open his presents, he was more interested in the paper than the toys for a while. We got to have 3 christmas's, one with my Mom and Stepdad, one with my Dad and one with Mikes Parents. I intend to post pictures as soon as I have a little time to sit down and go trough them.

I am looking forward to this saturday, as it is Ronin's first birthday..... oh my I can not believe my baby boy is one in five days. (insert heavy sigh here)

His latest thing is playing with the dog. He just laughs and laugh and squeels like it is the greatest thing in the world. I have a video of him playing, and for those who are my friends on facebook I posted it there (I can't do it on this blog as it I am on my work computer).

It is hard to believe that 2009 is coming to an end. It is hard to believe that I have a son, a home, a husband, ah the blessing of life.

Okay, I should get back to work.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Coming to some hard realizations

I have come to a very hard realization today. I have a problem. It is not an uncommon one. Not in the slightest. In fact I am sure more people have this problem than are willing to admit it. I am a compulsive spender. Now, it doesn’t matter what I am spending my money on, but I do it, regardless of the consequences. My Husband has requested, numerous times, that I let him know BEFORE I make the purchase to make sure that we have the money, which is not a bad thing, as he is the one who pays the bills and knows our financial situation better than I do. Yet time and again, I continue to make the same choice…. CHOICE, wow, it just hit me that I am making the choice to sabotage my financial peace.

What am I going to do about it? I am going to make the choice to fix it. I have attempted to many times in the past, but I believe that was only half hearted. It was the disappointment in my husband’s voice as he talked to me about it this morning. He was truly frustrated, and hurt that I kept blatantly disregarding what he was telling me about our finances. I was not listening that at such and such a time we do not have the money to be spending on this, or that. I made a call today. To a friend who is facilitating the Financial Peace University, by Dave Ramsey, and signed myself up, I told my husband that I want him to come, so that we can be on the same page, but that it was something that I need to do. I hope that through it all, not only will our finances be in order, but the emotional connection that I have towards those finances will also be in order.

The interesting thing is a lot of things are starting to fall into place in my life. I am finally getting my house in order, in such a manner that I do not feel frustrated every time I walk into one room or another. It is an exhilarating feeling to have accomplished this goal. I enjoy my time at home more, and with my son. I think the fact that I let go and let God help me gain control of my frustration and obsessive compulsive tendencies helped me come to a place where I said, “I am only doing what I can do.”

My problem is that I bit off more than I can chew by myself. I need to let go and let God have control and release to me what I can handle. If only I remembered that every minute of everyday.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The wonderful Holiday season

I am so excited for Christmas this year. It will be Ronin's first one!!! followed shortly there after by his first Birthday. I am blown away at how fast this year as has gone by. I never imagined that time could fly by so quickly. Some days I feel as though I have not had a moment to sit down and take a breath. But it even though I spend much of my time in a state of exhaustion, I am thoroughly content with my life the way it is. (okay so maybe if I had a magic elf to clean my house for me I would be a little happier)

Ronin, just the past few days, as been trying his hardest to stand with out holding on to anything. I was loading the dishwasher while he was jabbering away in his play pen, when he stopped jabbering, I looked over and had this look of extreme concentration on his face, his arms sticking out and just standing there. His face said "I'm doing it, I'm not going to fall, I'm standing" it was the cutest thing ever, and I did not have a camera.

I am hoping, and dreading that he will be walking by Christmas... I want to enjoy every stage, but I get so excited about the next step... I just wish the next step included a pause button and sleeping through the night....

Okay, well, I must get back to work... and trying not to fall asleep at my desk.

Friday, November 20, 2009

A Few Poems

At the request of my good friend, I am going to post poems. These are old, as it has been some time since I have even attempted to write a poem, but I wanted to get some out there in the hopes that it would motiviate me to write more. Enjoy!

An Autumns Eve

A soft autumn wind
Stirs the leaves
As the birds fly away
To their winter homes

A calm peace befalls the land
As the autumn sun sets
And the harvest moon rises
Large and golden in the sky

The night air is cool and sweet
Smoke rises from the earth
As bonfires b laze in the fields
The people's laughter fills the air

Pipes and fiddles play a song
The fills the time with joy
Happiness is on the faces
Of all who are gathered around

Slowly the bonfires die
On by one the gathering dwindle
On to their homes the people go
To sleep until the dawn

In the lingering flames
The fairies dance
Unseen by human eyes
They take over the night

Carried by the autumn breeze
Wood sprites sing their lulling song
The dryads weave their watery tales
And the elves play their enchanting music.

Her Large Brown Eyes
Her eyes, her large brown eyes look so dreamily at the sky.
What she sees is not a velvet sky and white fluffy clouds;
What she sees are small floating villages
And small children playing in the garden
While mothers cook dinner for the families;
The sweet smell drifts through the air.

Her eyes, her large brown eyes look so wonderfully at the clear blue waters
She sees not fish, but mermaids in distant lagoons singing unheard songs
Unheard by their lost loved ones.

Her eyes, her large brown eyes softly close
And drift off into a land where dreams are endless
And anything can happen.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I need a break!

I want to take some time and just get away from the realities of the world and just exist without the pressures of life, those that bog you down and make you feel like you are running from one task to another. I nice long, uneventful, relaxing break.

Of course, on my break my son and husband are welcome to join me. Just so long as they expect nothing of me. Correction, just as long as the husband expects nothing of me, as the son is too young to know not to expect anything of me. Okay…. So that is not going to happen, but a girl can dream right?

This is prompted by the fact that at work I have so much to do and not enough time to do it in. I keep looking for the pause button on life, but for whatever reason, it keeps evading me. I do not understand this, I think it is very rude that the remote control of life has disappeared. I would like to know who is hiding it from me? You may return it and I will not be angry, in fact I will be grateful.

On a serious note: oh heck, who wants to be serious. On a more enjoyable note???? Maybe:
Yesterday I was rubbing some stuff on my son’s gums to relieve some of his teething discomfort, and as I was rubbing the top gums, right above the one tooth he already has, he bit down, hard… let me tell you, that boy has good jaws. I said ow, and the poor little guy got so distressed and started the saddest little cry that he only gets when mommy says ow. It is like he is feeling my pain and is sad that he caused it.

Well- I am currently taking a moment at work to write this, and should get back to the pile on my desk, or else I may just as well run and hide as it overtakes my desk. As my friend Jaylene always says: Cheers!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

One Step Closer

I heave a sigh of relief as I sit here typing, listening to one of Bach's cello suites. I have completed my Masters. All I have to do now is wait for the diploma, which will come hopefully in February, if not then, in May.

Although my final was not my best work, it was good enough to get a passing grade. My professor considered my capabilities as a writer 'quite impressive'. And to have someone who has a PhD. state that your work is 'impressive' is, well, impressive. It is one thing to say, you do good work, but a quite a wonderful thing when it is said that you do impressive work and are capable of so much more. I hold on to those words in my moments of writers block, which seem to be frequent of late.

I hope to be on this blog more often, addressing an area that I love, and want to nurture. It is my goal to become a writer of one type or another. And in order to be a writer, one must write. So here I go, attempting to achieve the goal of writer in my new and chaotic world. Currently my son is in the other room yelling, and I am sure attempting to get into the garbage can, or pull something out of one of the dirty laundry baskets, but even amidst those distractions, I shall write. God has given me a gift that I shall not waste anymore. Those who are deep in the literary world are impressed by my capabilities, and when I am immersed in a literary conversation, I feel alive, more alive than I have in a while. I must pursue my passion, I must remember my my passion...

Now, it is time to go back to the mundane world of laundry and baby bottles..... but Bach shall continue in the back ground to inspire me to continue in my endeavors.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

A little 'me' time

It has been awhile since I have taken time for myself to just sit down and write. I think I have almost forgotten how. As much as I love being a mother, (my son is sitting in his exersaucer clapping as I type) I have to remind myself that it is VERY important for me to take some time just to be me.

Now, for some people this may not be an issue… but for some strange and inexplicable reason, I have never, and I mean never been good at taking me time. When I was in college it was about doing my school work and working, and hanging out with friends, and when I got married it has been about doing things for my husband and keeping the house clean and going to work. Now that I am a mom, well, you get the idea.

It is my personal goal to make time for myself. Okay, I have said it… now to do it. That is the hard part, the saying “easier said than done” was not just pulled out of thin air. My first step is sitting here typing in my blog. I am intending this to be done no less than once a week, I want to keep my creative juices flowing.

One thing that has brought to the fore front of my attention that I need ‘me time’ is that I have been getting sick. I tend to be a high strung person, and in combination with a medical condition, that is not a good thing. I am attempting to bring down that string a lot lower, I just am not sure how… I am working on getting myself ‘centered’ or to that calm and relaxed place in my life, and would welcome any suggestions. I NEED to take care of myself. Well, I guess the taking care of myself is done for the moment, as my little man is clamoring for momma’s attention. More later.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

You Know you are Getting Older When:

1. Buying a home appliance is the highlight of you month.
2. You are thrilled that you are getting a new matteress
3. You go to bed occasionally at 8 by choice.
4. You see a baby eating his toe and your hip hurts just thinking about it.

Feel free to chime in, I was just thinking about the new matteress and it made me laugh!!!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I am Still Here

I just wanted to put out a note to all my readers that I have not gone anywhere. My husband has decided he likes my laptop, and so often it is monopolized by him. Also I have just been so busy and tired of late that the last thing I have time to do when I get home from being on a computer all day is to sit down in front of a computer. I promise that soon, very soon, I am going to sit down and write a nice long post.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Feeling Much Better

Although Last night was rather exhausting, (Ronin was not able to sleep well due to a stuffy nose, and so neither was mom) I am feeling much better than I was the last two days. God is so good. I have been so blessed to have a wonderful husband and a beautiful baby boy, and a job that I really like. Sometimes we get side tracked by the life we wish we had and forget to enjoy the life we actually have. Everyday Mom's have to make decisions for their children, hard decisions, Mom's who stay home just have a different set of decisions to make then those who go to work, it makes it no less difficult.

I am learning that in order to be content with where I am at, I must let go of my preconceived notions as to how life should be. If I do not that only brings disappointment and frustration. I need to focus on the fact that my husband is starting a new job in a field that he has been desperately trying to get into since we were married, AND one that has weekends off with me and Ronin. I must focus on the fact that Ronin is getting close to crawling (he can get on his elbow and knees, face planted on the ground) and not the fact that the floor could be a little cleaner.... I will remind myself I am building up his immune system... haha.

Today as I sit at my desk, attempting to focus through the lack of sleep, I am content, listening to my classical music and working to make peoples lives a little more easy. And now back to work.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

With Great Sacrifice Comes Great Joy

Right now I am so exhausted! I want to write and update on my life, but I just don’t seem to have much energy of late.

Being a mom, while working at a full time job is very difficult. I feel that there is much that I must sacrifice. At time it is keeping the house clean, at others it is spending time with my Son (eventually laundry and dishes must be done). Along with this sacrifice comes a deep feeling of guilt. Am I a good Mom? Am I doing the best for my son? Could I be doing better? Most days it is easy to answer those questions, Yes I am a good mom, Yes, I am doing the best for my son, and Yes of course I could be doing better (God did NOT make me perfect).
But today… today is one of those difficult days where the thought of going to work tomorrow brings me to a point of tears, as I look at my son (who is currently attempting to eat the little mirror on his excersaucer). I wonder what I could do to make it possible for me to stay home. It has nothing to do with the lack of sleep I am getting, I don’t mind that, if I were a stay at home mom that would not change. It has everything to do with the fact that I thought I would not mind working and raising a baby. I thought it would be easy. I thought that I was not the type of person who would do well being a stay at home mom. But as I see my son grow every day I realize how wrong I was. I know that tomorrow or in a day or two, I will go back to being okay with being a working mom, realizing that it is the life I have chosen, and I will embrace it. But right now… right now is not that time.
I part with an adorable pictures of my little man (more to come later). The one I do not want to be parted from right now.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Four years down... many more to go.

Today is my fourth anniversary… four years of marriage to a wonderful, handsome man. The father of my beautiful child… my heart still skips a beat when I think of him… Okay… done with the mushy stuff.

Reflecting back on my life I never thought I would get to this point. I am Happy with my life. I am content with the way things are right now (okay the disastrous kitchen does make a small mark on that contentment, but it is tiny and I am working on letting that go). Just over four years ago I NEVER thought that I would be in this place… Married with a son and a home. I was unaware of what God had for me. But here I am sitting in a room with my wonderful man, just being content. I have my dog at my feet, the baby is sleeping in the next room, and I am writing…. Yes I have found time to write.

Although there are a lot of things I expected of my life, this was not it… I wanted this, but I did not expect it. Contentment. Who would have thought. I have a lot of work to do still on becoming the Godly woman I want to become, but I am going to bask in the beauty of the moment. The beauty that is my life right now… What more could someone ask for in these times. I have security, even if the economy is floundering I have what matters most in the world, my family.

My life has come a long way from the girl who was boy crazy. I would have to say that I am still boy crazy… I am crazy about my boys… The best boys in the world.

Monday, April 27, 2009

The Sorrows of Motherhood

Motherhood has its joys and it sorrows. And for the sorrows I am not talking about the lack of sleep, or the desire for grown up time, those are things that are just part of parenthood and I do not consider those sorrows. I am talking about hearing my son cry as my husband, who is at home with him two days a week, tells me that he just can't eat out of a bottle. My poor little man has the worst stuffed up nose, he just wan't eat very easily and gets so frustrated about it.

The Joy is when I woke up the other morning I looked down at Ronin and he just gave me the biggest grin.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Playing is serious business

Especially for a little boy just discovering things for the first time. It is so fun watching the things that light up his face with the big toothless grin. Watching him look seiriously at his hands as he is placing them in his mouth, occasionally glancing down at his feet. I see the little wheels turning, wondering what the connection to him is.
I just got him an excersaucer for him today, and he LOVES it. He still hasn't gotten the grasping things down yet, but he really is trying. He really likes standing up so this is a great way to have him stand with out my arms falling off. Isn't he a doll.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Working Mom

I have heard that being a working mom was hard. I just nodded in agreement, thinking casually, "yes I am sure it is." I new that the mom had a lot on her plate and I admired her. But boy oh boy was I unaware of the true difficulties of being a working mom. Not only is it hard to get everything done that needs to get done, but it is also hard to be away for your baby, who is making new strides everyday. And missing those strides, like the first time he rolled over. Mike told me and I just wanted to cry.... really. Then calling dad to check on my boys and hearing the little man in the background... I cried and told my coworkers I wanted to go home and did not intend on coming back.

But..... work is a necessity at this point in time, and I don't regret going back. I am able to provide for my son, and my husband things that we would otherwise not have, like a house!!!

Well, I hear my darling son crying to be taken out of his chair and have some "mom time" and I do not want to let those moments go by with out taking advantage of them, so off to rescue the boy from his misery, :)

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Back to the Grindstone

My nose is back to the grindstone.... Meaning work. Heavy sad sigh.

My friend Molly has been wonderful to watch over my son while at work on the three days we need day care. It does not make it easier to go back to work, but it does set my mind at rest. The one posotive part of going back to work is the look on my little guys face when I return after the absence and he realizes that mommy is home. AND he has grown less dependent on being held, which is a huge relief for me. I can finally get a few things done around the house. I do occasionally find it hard to put him down since my time awake with him has dwindled. But as the saying goes "let sleeping babies lie." Actually I think it is supposed to be 'dogs' where I have put babies, but it is the same concept.

Here is a video if Ronin.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Getting Things Done

My life is currently all about my son. I am good if I get a shower in and brush my teeth more than once a day (and I must admit that once a day is a good week!) There is so much that I NEED to get done, as well as things I want to get done. But when you have a 8 week old (tomorrow) you are lucky to get 1/2 way through the NEED to get done. I go back to work next monday and am very sad about it. As I have said I throughly enjoy my job, and with some changes that have been going on at work, I am eager to get back. BUT I am torn. I want to stay home and go back to work. If my job was part time that would be ideal, but.... oh but.
I have currently been thinking about getting my teaching license and teaching highschool. That was one of my original goals, but when I did not get accepted to the program I readjusted my goals, and then.... well... life happaned. I am very close to being done with my Masters of Arts in English Literature (part of the NEEd to get done that is 1/2 way there). And I want to look into what I would need to do for the MA in Teaching.
Speaking of needing to get things done, and wanting to get things done, I should get a move on. I have no idea how long Ronin will sleep.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Random thoughts

My son is only 5 1/2 weeks old, but he has already grown so much. Being a mother comes with a roller coaster ride of emotion and desire. I look at my sweet baby and want him to stay my sweet baby forever, yet I look forward to the times that he is resonding to my actions, and able to interact with me. The lack of sleep plays into those desires alot, when I have had little sleep due to his fussing, I really long for the day that he is older and goes to bed at 8 and wakes up when it is time to go to daycare!!!

It is begining to feel less surreal that I have a son. And to contradict that I will add that being referred to as a 'mom' by others still feels weired.

The most trying part of having a new baby is the lack of sleep and the constate of being out of it. I have a tendancy to not think before I speak, often referred to jokingly as 'foot in mouth syndrome'. Lack of sleep has always itensifyed that syndrome in me, and when you had lack of sleep to lack of 'me time' you get an exterme case of this syndrome. I have been getting easily irritated over the smalles things and saying something about it, which is not neccesary. Now, my husband also has had lack of sleep, and as we all do he gets a little more irritated then usual. The combination of his irritabilty and my foot in mouth syndrome was leading to an unfortunate situation between us(also through in the fact that we really have not had 'us' time). Although we were 'loosing it' together, my wonderful husband suprised me by coming through at the last minute.

I was so exahusted the other night and lost it, I was tired mad at myself for various things that I had said mad at Mike just becuase I was so tired. I had reached that breaking point which pushed Mike to his breaking point. I was sobbing and said to Mike "I don't know what to do, I am so tired and so frustrated I just don't know what to do." Up to this point, he had been frustrated by my tears, but as I stood there holding the baby, sobbing, I looked over at him and he had just melted. His response was one that I wish we had said far earlier. "We need to pray". Why is it that when we are in the middle of emotional termoil we forget the one Being that can remove all of our frustration. Needless to say we prayed, and after that there was this wondeful peace! We were no longer frustrated with eachother, we were able to laugh. We were still exhausted and the baby was still fussy, but we were at peace. It was wondeful and God is awesome!!!

Lack of sleep is starting to set in and my brain is begining to freeze, so I shall end my blog today by saying this. Inspite of the lack of sleep and crying, I would not trade it in for anything.

Monday, January 19, 2009

On Being Home

Not a lot of new stuff to report in my life. I have not been getting a whole lot of sleep, but am functioning relativly well considering that. I am not doing great at the whole 'resting' portion of things. Although my body does tell me when I have been doing too much and I eventually have to stop, it would just be nice if I stopped before I started feeling uncomfotable. I never realized how much of a 'go go go' person I was until I had to slow down. Granted when I am sick I slow down, but usually that lasts maybe a day or two at the most, where having a baby the recovery is a bit longer, and when you are not moving around you feel just fine. I am thoroughly enjoying staying at home, I would love to not have to go back to a full time job (which I love). Part time would be ideal, but life does not always fit into the ideal category. I am hoping and praying that I do ot have to go back until the begining of March.

Being at home full time has some interesting 'side affects,' such as having no idea what day of the week it is and what day of the month it is. Point in case: My dad called me the other day to see about coming on Saturday, which won't work as I have other company that day. When I asked him if he had other things he was doing that day in Salem he said no, but since it was my Birthday he wanted to stop by. My response was, "Saturday is my Birthday... oh, haha, I almost forgot." Now, for me to forget my birthday is a big thing... I NEVER forget my Birthday.... EVER. I am a bit selfish that way. I remind everyone that my birthday is coming up and always tell then what I want, but apparantly having a baby changes that. Although I would like a copy of Mama Mia and a gift card to Starbucks.

The once nice thing, that I think I have mentioned in my previous blogs, is that Mike is staying home with me and Ronin until the end of January and then he is taking Sundays off until the end of March. I like that, I get to see my husband more now. And he is so great with Ronin. Also having the baby has brought us closer together, inspite of the occasional lack of sleep grumpiness. Life is good now, and I do belive those baby blues have subsided. I feel great and I am losing the weight fast. I am almost back to my pre-pregnancy weight (don't hate me, I am doing Weight Watchers.)

I guess since I am reaching the rambling stage of my blog I shall call it quites... but here are some pictures that are just too darn cute.

I just LOVE this picture, Maia has to be with whoever has the baby..
Mike took one just like this of me Ronin and Maia, but I was asleep and it isn't a flattering picture of me, lol.

Here he is getting ready to go to Sushi with mom for the first time, YUM!

This shirt says "little squirt" on it, which is perfect for him.... hehe!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

On Being a Mom

It still feels so unreal. I have a son! I am not sure if the feeling of being in a dream is related to that feeling of unreality, or if it is due to the lack of sleep?

The feelings that one can have for something so small is amazing. I look at Ronin and my heart aches with the love that I feel for him. The other day we went to the doctors to get him circumsized, I worried so much that my head hurt. I felt as though I was holding my breath the whole time, and I wanted to just burst in to tears. I would not relax until the doctor came and told me that the procedure was over and everything went perfectly. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. And then, on the drive home some ditzy blonde talking on her cell phone and not paying attention to driving almost side swiped us. I once again began to hold my breath until we were safely in the drive way at home. I barley know this little boy, but my heart would break if anything ever happaned to him. Again, the love that one can feel... it's amazing.

In looking back at the past year and a half I am amazed at everything that has happaned in my life. I got a wonderful job that I love. We bought our first house (this also fits into the dream category, when will I wake up?). And we had a baby. Aren't those considred the major life changes? God has been so good to my family.

I leave you with another picture of the cutest baby boy in the world.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Presenting My Newest Family Member

Ronin Kael Olson
January 2nd 2009
7 lb. 12 oz ~~~19.5 inches

Isn't he the most precious baby ever!!! As painful as the actual labor was,(before the blessed epidural) it is MORE than worth it to have those beautiful eyes look up at me, and I know that he knows I am his mom!!! I still can't believe they let us take him home with us???? What were they thinking.
I find it amazing, how I am able to (sort of) function on the tiny amount of sleep I have had. I start labor with him on Jan 2nd at 4 ish in the morning and have maybe slept a total of 10 hours in the last 84 hours, yet miraculously I am able to function relatively well. I do often forget what I am about to say to some one if I pause for even a moment. Regardless of the minor lack of sleep a newborn brings with him, it is still wonderful... And really when you think about it, he has had a major trauma to bring him into the world... and so in order to comfort him and let him know it isn't all that bad, I am willing to loose the sleep right now.
Well, speaking of trauma, sounds like Ronin is having a minor one right now, and mom must go and comfort him.