Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Getting back on track

requires some discipline. There are times when I am spot on, I am filling out my daily task list, reading my devotional, keeping my home organized and clean, and then pow.... the organization decides to take a hike. Or... well to be honest I decide that I just don't want to function on the level of a regular human being. I decide to not take my medication (see previous post) and I spiral into this depression that takes me away from my duties. I try and put on a brave face, I do my best to 'pretend' that everything is okay, I tend to think I am a pro at this. Normally, after one of these periods I berate myself, but I have learned that is counter-productive. If I want to get to the place of peace that exists in my turmoil, beating myself up is pointless.

God has been speaking to me a lot lately, and due to the bout of depression that I have felt of late, I have really been struggling with listening to him. I have felt that it was too difficult to do what he asked. One of the ways he choose to speak to me last night was through a dream. The content of the dream is private, but the lesson is something I think at some point everyone learns. Some learn it the hard way, while others learn through others, or in my case through a dream. In this dream my heart was broken. I was devastated, yet a conversation that took place made me realize my part in that heart brake. I choose to focus on my fears and depression instead of on what I could do for others. The song JOY comes to mind.
J-O-Y, J-O-Y tell me what it means:
Jesus first yourself last and others in between.

It is a child's song, but something that we forget often as we grow up. When you focus on fears and sadness there is no room for joy and happiness. You create a vicious cycle that creates more fear and sadness.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9

This was a verse that a friend shared with me many years ago, and oddly enough, this weekend at my garage sale, a women picked up a bible I was selling, and it literally fell open to that verse, which I had underlined. She was sharing it with some single moms in a bible study, and it reminded me that the fear I have been giving in to is not of God...

So, I am going to do the best that I can to turn from the fear, and get back on track, focusing on J-O-Y.

Monday, June 13, 2011

It can be a good thing.

This past week, as I drove along or pushed my cart down the grocery aisles, I started to feel anxious, sad, depressed by what I saw. Yet the sights were no different than what I normally saw in previous weeks. I also began to feel like a failure, getting more emotional when anything 'not good' happened. I cried more and fought more, and just plain wanted to curl up in a ball and do nothing but sit there. I cried out to God for help...

It was after a few days of this and crying out to God that I realized something. I was missing something. I had not taken my medication in about a week. I am on zoloft and welbutrin for two reasons. 1. I get anxious and then depressed. 2. I have ADD.

Now some might say that I need to get it under control without meds, that they are not good for you. Once upon a time I agreed with this. Then I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis, which is aggravated by anxiety and depression. I could no longer just believe that I would suddenly be cured of my anxiety and depression. It was affecting my physical well being, and so I started taking medication, and WOW what a difference that medication has made.

Although I have had surgery to remove my colon and am free of the holds of that disease, I still take the medication. I realize that when I do not take it my desire to function no longer exists. (And no, suicide has NEVER crossed my mind)

My ability to react in a semi-level headed manner is also reduced. I feel like 'whats the point' even as my kitchen stinks due to my avoidance of cleaning it.

This is a real problem, one that I struggle with on a daily basis. It can affect my family in such a negative way, and even as I cry out to God, if I do not do what he has shown will help me, nothing will fix it. God gave someone the ability to create this medication, one that helps me not only feel less depressed and anxious, but one that helps me to focus. I embrace this gift that He has lead me to. I do not abuse it (or else I would not have the periods that I forget to take it). I do not let it rule my life. I let it work in my life allowing me to be a better person. I have tried for many years to get the balance on my own, avoiding this gift of God. I felt that it was a crutch, and in a way it is, but it is one that I am willing to lean on because God put it there for me to lean on. And I am a better person for it. Medication can be a good thing.