Tuesday, April 17, 2012

From the Heart

I have a pit in my stomach… it is that inexplicable feeling that is akin to missing something.  As it is inexplicable, putting words to it seems somewhat redundant… if I could put words to it, I might not have it.  Overall it is an amalgamation of stress, fear, frustration and excitement.  I am at a cross roads in my life, aren’t we always though?  I am at a place that requires an income of some sort sooner rather than later. I am also at a place where I don’t want to do what is required for said income… plain and simple.  I realize that if we were not in debt I would not be here. We could make ends meet and live comfortably while I pursue my creativity as a source of income without the pressures of a deadline.

That said, who is to say I cannot pursue my creativity as a source of income while searching for the ‘normal’ job that is expected of me by some?  No one, no one but myself that is.

I am a talented person, who is creative and can learn quickly and easily many different things. I can crochet, cook and am picking up knitting and sewing, I am a writer, and an artist… so what is the problem. The problem is I am repeating what was told me earlier today by a dear friend.  There is a disconnect somewhere in my being. I may be good at all of those things, “but what does that matter?” I often ask myself.  Or the other question is “how do I make something of it?”  I feel at a loss.  I feel as though it does not matter that I am good at all those things, and that is sad… and unfair.  Who is it unfair to, you may ask?  It is unfair to my creator, the one who gave me the ability to do each and every thing that I am good at.

As I type that, the parable of the talent’s comes to mind.  I master gave his servants some money (then called talent’s) and told them to take care of it. One buried it while another invested it…. (this is paraphrased and not so well I am sure).  The moral of the story is that God gave us talents to invest, not to squander and hide, or bury as the man did in the parable.

My talent’s are gifts. My gifts are to be used and shared with others. I am to present them to people as a form of worship.  It is a revelation that I have been coming to for some time.  It is also something that scares the ba-jeebes out of me.  What if…. This always pops into my head at those times when I am about to embark on a new journey, and often keeps my feet firmly planted in the ‘do nothing’ spot far longer than I care to admit.

My hearts desire is to do the lords will.  I love my creativity. I pray that following in a path that allows me to use it to bring in income to my family therefore allowing me to be the best wife and mother possible is God’s desire for me.  I am taking a step out from that ‘do nothing’ spot.  As I said to my friend many many years ago ‘I need a scene of changery…. Wait no, a change of scenery’. So here’s to a scene of changery, whatever that means to my life now…. Lord Change my Scenery.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Weekends are hard to track

I am doing weight watchers. And I do my best to track what I am doing, but it can be hard. Having a three year old makes it easy to get distracted, and on the weekends when my husband is home, the distraction multiplies, and the motivation to track, decreases.

I do attempt, after the fact to track what I remember, and I always take away extra points to account for what I don't, generally I just assume that after the three days my husband has off, I have no extra weekly points.

Even with that, when I am aware of what I am putting into my body, I seem to loose. When I sit down and make that attempt to track after the fact I am good, whether that means I lose only a little or I stay the same... I am better off than when I throw caution to the wind and eat with out thinking, I generally gain.

That said... this week my goal is to throw in some exercise, (oh and attempt to hard core potty train). We shall see how both of those go. My exercise might just be doing laundry this week.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

I am struggling. Are You?

I want to be healthy. Period, end of story.  I want my body to be in shape, so I am not tired doing the things I need to do on a daily basis.  I want my insides to feel good, and my outsides to reflect that.  Yet it is a constant battle to stick to the healthy choices.  I found that when I had a companion alongside, encouraging me, I did far better, but that companion moved away. I hoped that my husband would take her place, who better than the man I love to stand beside me? But he approached the his journey differently than I did, and really, who wants to hear that he lost 3 pounds because he stopped drinking soda and made no other changes, when it takes me far longer and far more to achieve the same goals?

No, as much as I wanted my husband to travel this path with me, it was not working.  Yes, he does encourage me, which is great, but I need that “you go girl” that only a girlfriend can provide.  Yet, more than that, I need an outlet to share my struggles with this journey.  It is a rough road.  Some days I just want to give up for no other reason that I just don’t want to work at it anymore.

As I watched Biggest Loser this morning, a thought began to formulate in my mind.  One of the contestants made a comment about an eliminated contestant, that she would find a way to continue her journey at home, doing what she enjoys to do.  So… I need to find something I enjoy that will help me continue on in my journey.  Granted, they were talking about working out, which I need to incorporate, but I need and outlet for my frustrations and successes that will allow me to say “you go girl” or even “keep going girl” to myself. 

What does this mean for me?  How can I keep on track in my journey to a healthier me? What do I do best?  The answer is, I write.  I love to write, and I find that when I am struggling, putting those struggles in to words is a release.  If I need to tell somebody something important, I write it down first.  If I need to complain about things, I write it in my journal.

I want to share my journey with others out there…. It will not be a perfect journey, it will not have step by step plans…. But it will be a true, honest journey. Some days I will be gung ho, on the train of weight loss, others I will be falling off that train, and even others I will be picking my self up.  I want to share what I learn, not only about how to lose weight but about the struggles I have in that process. I want to share that I have special dietary issues (ie: no colon) and need to make choices that will help me not feel uncomfortable eating healthier. I will also share the recipes I come across and how I have changed them up to meet my needs in both diet and picky eaters (ie: my husband).

I want to be honest with myself.  I want to hear your story too. Please feel free to comment about  your journey.