Thursday, June 18, 2009

Feeling Much Better

Although Last night was rather exhausting, (Ronin was not able to sleep well due to a stuffy nose, and so neither was mom) I am feeling much better than I was the last two days. God is so good. I have been so blessed to have a wonderful husband and a beautiful baby boy, and a job that I really like. Sometimes we get side tracked by the life we wish we had and forget to enjoy the life we actually have. Everyday Mom's have to make decisions for their children, hard decisions, Mom's who stay home just have a different set of decisions to make then those who go to work, it makes it no less difficult.

I am learning that in order to be content with where I am at, I must let go of my preconceived notions as to how life should be. If I do not that only brings disappointment and frustration. I need to focus on the fact that my husband is starting a new job in a field that he has been desperately trying to get into since we were married, AND one that has weekends off with me and Ronin. I must focus on the fact that Ronin is getting close to crawling (he can get on his elbow and knees, face planted on the ground) and not the fact that the floor could be a little cleaner.... I will remind myself I am building up his immune system... haha.

Today as I sit at my desk, attempting to focus through the lack of sleep, I am content, listening to my classical music and working to make peoples lives a little more easy. And now back to work.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

With Great Sacrifice Comes Great Joy

Right now I am so exhausted! I want to write and update on my life, but I just don’t seem to have much energy of late.

Being a mom, while working at a full time job is very difficult. I feel that there is much that I must sacrifice. At time it is keeping the house clean, at others it is spending time with my Son (eventually laundry and dishes must be done). Along with this sacrifice comes a deep feeling of guilt. Am I a good Mom? Am I doing the best for my son? Could I be doing better? Most days it is easy to answer those questions, Yes I am a good mom, Yes, I am doing the best for my son, and Yes of course I could be doing better (God did NOT make me perfect).
But today… today is one of those difficult days where the thought of going to work tomorrow brings me to a point of tears, as I look at my son (who is currently attempting to eat the little mirror on his excersaucer). I wonder what I could do to make it possible for me to stay home. It has nothing to do with the lack of sleep I am getting, I don’t mind that, if I were a stay at home mom that would not change. It has everything to do with the fact that I thought I would not mind working and raising a baby. I thought it would be easy. I thought that I was not the type of person who would do well being a stay at home mom. But as I see my son grow every day I realize how wrong I was. I know that tomorrow or in a day or two, I will go back to being okay with being a working mom, realizing that it is the life I have chosen, and I will embrace it. But right now… right now is not that time.
I part with an adorable pictures of my little man (more to come later). The one I do not want to be parted from right now.