Thursday, July 17, 2014

Life is a Journey




Today I am starting a journey….

What kind of a journey, you ask?  Good question- I am still asking myself that question. I had the intention of going gluten free…. Changing my diet to maybe make things better…. It all started with an article… Oh the dreaded article.

But…. This article was different. It was written by a woman who struggle with Ulcerative Colitis, the exact same medical condition that I had… Only her road was a bit different than mine. She chose to pursue a healing diet.  I envy her ability to follow through on this path… I tried a number of times to make that change… I failed each time. It was too big, too scary and there was not enough support.  I may be strong. Everyone tells me I am, I have faced some pretty tough stuff in my life, but this one area brought me to my knees in tears.  I had a debilitating medical condition that was only made bearable by drugs that suppressed the immune system. I had doctors laugh at me for thinking that just changing what I ate would allow me to live a normal life. I ended up making the decision to have surgery.  I don’t regret that decision. In anyway shape or form….

I just wish I had the courage this woman had to make the necessary dietary changes. To explore the path that she explored….  But alas I did not.  I lead a better life now, no doubt. I can go for a walk with out fear of an ‘accident.’  I can drive to visit family hours away with out mapping every single rest stop praying I can make it from one rest stop to the other (although I still have them memorized).  But I still have a way to go… I still need to find something that is missing….

After having read Against All Grain’s introduction and what prompted this woman on her journey, I began to realize that it is not about the diet… it is about finding what works for you… I have no colon, I had it removed, and so my dietary needs are a bit different. But, what I learned, what finally hit home to me is that in all of her struggles, in all of her research, and in all her final decisions, Peace stood out… Peace with her choices, peace with her body…

My Journey is about peace… What ever choices that are made, whatever roads I go down, Peace with myself is the ultimate Goal. God made me, God has a plan for me, and that plan is to find peace in the now. (along with a few other things, but you get the gist). If I find peace with myself, things should start working out a little better….

My problem is I am queen of worrying (who is with me?) My mother taught me the ways of a worrier well (I love you mom, and don’t blame you, generational curse and all). And so, as I approach my diet, and my lifestyle, I do it slow, and steady and with a bit of trepidation.

Why trepidation, you might ask? Needless to say, there are nay-sayers out there, people who, sometimes unintentionally, will say something about what you are doing that may stop you in your tracks.  Things like “you aren’t doing it right” or “how about this” (which is passive aggressive for the first statement).  Those words, to this worrier over here, are like a knife to the heart.  They bring to mind unhappy thoughts of, “what if I am doing it wrong,” and “I failed so many times before, what makes me think this time is any different?” 

And hence the journey to peace…. Not to a better life style, not to healthier eating…. But to finding peace in the life style and eating habits I choose to follow. Yes, I need to eat better, Yes I need to make some changes to my family’s daily life…. BUT, and I capitalized that on purpose, I am not going to let anyone else tell me what that means.  Be it going gluten free… (which I really don’t think is possible for this bread loving girl) or minimizing it just to see the numbers on the scale move in the right direction…. I will not let anyone, and I mean anyone,  judge me… I will not let any comments on my face book page cause me to doubt myself or my decisions.  My journey is to find peace with MY life…. Not what others think about what I am doing in my life.

So step 1 A: Spend time reading the bible and praying for my family. Step 2A: Work on eating better.



Thursday, February 7, 2013

Chaos



Life is chaotic in so many ways. We have intentions, things we want to accomplish. We make lists, we lose lists, we have dreams, and those dreams change.  It can be frustrating, infuriating in fact, when those lists don’t get completed, or those dreams aren’t achieved.  But the one thing I am beginning to realize, as my life changes and the chaos abounds; no matter what is going on in your life, there is always something good to hang on to.

My dreams are still there (changing a little as time goes by, adapting if you will), and although they have not been accomplished yet, I still hold on to them.  They are part of what keeps me going when I go to that job that pays the bills but doesn’t fulfill my dream. Along with the dreams is my family.  I look at my son, his big smile  and “hug me now, kiss me too” requests throughout the day, my husband who goes to work from 9-5, while picking up side jobs to make ends meet, who is tired and needs a vacation… I look at all these things, at the life growing inside me, and I am blessed.   I still have my dream, I still have my family! God is good!

So, as a venture into a new chapter of my life, yet again, I hold on to the good, the beautiful, and embrace my place in the world. I am not perfect, by any means, but I am a child of God with a purpose.  I embrace where I am because I have followed God’s will, and he has placed me here.  I still dream, and someday that dream will become real, I will be where I want to be, doing what I want to do. In the mean time, I am doing what I have to do, embracing my family, and finding joy and peace amidst the chaos that is life.

Followers