Friday, July 30, 2010

My Adorable Son

Today we went to see the ducks. Ronin kept pointing at the ducks saying "bock bock", which is his version of quack quack. Then. As we drove home he kept saying bock bock. Too cute. I love that little guy.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

A Wonderful Thing Gone Unnoticed

It is amazing how easy it is to overlook a good thing. In my last post I mentioned that the good thing was my husband. Well, last night, as I lay in bed thinking about how the walk I took was nice, but tiring; it dawned on me… I took a walk. I took a walk and was not afraid of having an accident.

I used to be constantly aware of my colon. That may sound odd, but when you have ulcers through out the lining of one of your major digestive organs, it is hard to not be aware of it. I used to always worry that something might happen when I was grocery shopping or when I was walking somewhere, or other such things. But, although I have other discomforts for the moment, worry is not one of them.

It is so easy to be distracted by those other discomforts. Currently I have a colostomy bag. I hate it. I have been letting that hate overwhelm me. I have been letting the pain associated with it distract me from the good that the surgery has done for me. The pain associated with it is no where near as horrible as the pain associated with ulcerative colitis. I currently have restrictions, but those will soon end.

I WENT FOR A WALK WITH NO FEAR YESTERDAY!!!!! It was wonderful, oh so wonderful. My son was chattering away and thoroughly enjoying himself. Oh the Joy, oh the happiness. Let’s focus on that. Let’s find something everyday that will make us smile and want to dance with joy. It doesn’t matter if it is as small as seeing a beautiful flower, or if it is as big as hearing a friend is going to join the mother hood club. Find Joy. I think I need to write that and put it on the mirror in my bathroom.

Find Joy today.

Thursday, July 22, 2010


Whew- I am tired. You want to guess what made me so tired. I picked up some clothing off the floor to put it in a laundry basket (thanks to my honey); I cleaned the mold off of my sons bedroom window; I but his cloths away and watered my dying tomato plants; A total of 10 minutes. It is amazing what having a part of our body removed will do to our energy level. It has been about 5 weeks, and it does not take very long to wear me out still…

I have had several emotional break downs due to this choice I made. I realized after a conversation with my husband what it was due to (at least in part). I was worried about what he thought of the colostomy bag. I was worried how it would affect our intimacy. I found out that I was the only one whom it bothered. I still am getting emotional about it. I knew that he loved me… but when he told me that my bag did not bother him, well I just can’t put words to it. Something that I find absolutely disgusting doesn’t bother him one bit. He still finds me sexy. After five years of marriage, my love and respect of this man I call my husband deepened.

I have always been emotionally insecure. I think that is why I was so worried about how he might react to this time that I have to have the bag.

I do my best to ignore the little nagging feelings that increase this emotional insecurity. But it is not always easy; and has been the cause of a few of the marital arguments that we all have. But as I write this, the times that this man, the man I love, said to me that he loved me in the midst of those arguments, I realize that I have been given a gift that is the first best gift I have ever received.

I also realize that I let the day to trivialities that bombard me stand in the way of my letting this gift know just how much I appreciate his love.

I think that God is taking this time of physical recovery to heal me emotional and bring to my attention the areas that I need to focus on. And I am going to do my darndest to not beat myself up for losing sight of the important things in life!!! (which I am very good at doing).

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Returning to work

I went to my surgeon yesterday. He said that I can go back to work on the 9th of August. I have mixed feelings about it. I am tired of being at home 24 7, but I am not looking forward to returning to an 8 hour day 40 our week. I think a 30 hour week would be nicer. Oh well, that is life.

I get to pick my son up again. Although since I am still on pain killers, I am to be very careful, but not picking up this little guy has been torture:

I am setting up my Etsy site, it is just proving to be a little more time intensive than intended. Here are a few shots of my product:

Well, I am rather brain dead today, so that is all for today.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Pain Killers Are a Good Thing

Pain killers are a good thing; especially when someone is recovering from major surgery. If someone who is recovering from said surgery does not take pain killers it could result in an emotional meltdown. How do I know? I know due to the fact that I am the said someone. Today is a better day. I took pain killers. Yay for modern medicine! I may hate the fact that I have a colostomy bag for at least 2 more months, but at least I have people to remind me that the end result is what I am looking forward to. I will be Ulcerative Colitis free. I will be able to go for walks, exercise, and do other stuff. I need to make a short mantra that I can repeat to myself when I am having melt downs.

Other than the realization that pain killers are a good thing, I realized one other thing as I was drifting off to sleep last night. This realization saddened me a great deal. I forgot the one being that could comfort me beyond any human being, God…. I forgot… how could I forget?

I have never been one who was good a devotionals and spending time in the word. But I have always been a prayer. I am ashamed to say that I have not done so in far too long (other than last night). I have felt empty and alone. That is not a good feeling, and not a necessary one. God is the one person who can remove all of those things.

So, what do I do? I refocus, I take this time that I have and turn it too Him. I do not have to work and I really can’t do too much around the house yet. This is a gift. I am going to use it.

Monday, July 12, 2010

My Best Friend Maia

Monday, July 5, 2010

A Sad Day.

Today we had to make a sad decision. One that I knew would eventually come. Just not this soon. We put Maia down. The poor girl was suffering and not eating her food which is the only way she would get her meds. Mike laid her down in my lap and she was shivering and scared. My heart was breaking. I am not sure it has hit me yet. Occasionally I start to cry but then I stop. I just can't seem to get beyond the inital tears. She was my first dog. She was my beenie baby and now she is gone. I hope it doesn't hit too hard.

Friday, July 2, 2010

I Warn You. This one Kind of Rambles

My Puppy... Okay she's not a puppy any more I am very very sad. My sweet crazy loving mini dauchshund is having some medical problems. Dachshunds are known for there spine problems that usually occur later in their lives. This is fairly young for these problems to occur. Nonetheless my sweet girl can't move her back legs very well and is in lain. She shivers all the time and is so sad. She is normally a vital active dog who loves to play. Please please pray for her recovery. I don't want to think about the other option. Basically right now my family has a lot going on. Almost too much for my husband. He can handle a whole heck of a lot but with my recovery and my beenie baby's health problems he has meet his limit. He just loves our dog so much. She was our first 'kid'.