Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!

The side dishes are in the oven getting nice and cooked, the turkey is on the counter getting to room temp and the pies are cooling. Ronin is being a goof, Dad is sleeping in, and StarTrek is playing on the TV. What I nice, comfortable, quite thanksgiving. And that is how we intend on spending it, Just the three of us. And yes, I made enough for a feast. But we will be eating off of it for three to four days or more.

This holiday season is going to be fun, and quiet. We intend on playing it low key. Having had two surgery’s and Mikes family living with us for four months, we are ready for peace and quiet, and some family bonding time. It will be wonderful as Ronin really begins to experience the holidays with more understanding (ok, maybe not a lot, but more than last year). Well, Off to check on the side dishes, and get the bird ready to go into the oven.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Turning Over a New Leaf

…or at least trying to.

In our humanity we can do nothing successful without God. The definition of success that I am thinking of when making this statement is not the world’s definition of success. It is moral, righteous, and holy definition. The success that I am considering includes peace. Peace that passes understanding. Without peace what is success? Nothing worth having.

I have tired my hand at a number of different things that I want to succeed at; reading my bible; praying on a daily basis for my husband and son; keeping a clean house; watering my tomato plants; writing; doing my art; and the list goes on. I succeed for a short time at some of those, but at some point I get side tracked. The world takes over; my mind gets distracted because I forgot to ask God to be in the situation, even the watering of my plants needs to be done with God. Nothing is too small for him.

As Christians we are to live in Him. Not live in him only when we are doing righteous things. We are to live in him in EVERYTHIING we do.

I desire to do this, to live in him. It is my goal to turn over that leaf, not alone, as I have done in the past, but with Him as my leader. It would be pointless for me to try and succeed without first turning to him, without first receiving his blessing. So, instead of making a list of my goals and ultimately getting frustrated at either not remembering where the list is or forgetting God. I am going to take each day as it comes. My friend Christie talks about the old saying KISS. Keep it simple stupid…. My one goal is to keep it simple and take each day as it comes. That is easy. My goal will be to make my goals for that day only. Not the I am going to this this and this every day… it will be I am going to take each day as it comes.

Friday, July 30, 2010

My Adorable Son

Today we went to see the ducks. Ronin kept pointing at the ducks saying "bock bock", which is his version of quack quack. Then. As we drove home he kept saying bock bock. Too cute. I love that little guy.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

A Wonderful Thing Gone Unnoticed

It is amazing how easy it is to overlook a good thing. In my last post I mentioned that the good thing was my husband. Well, last night, as I lay in bed thinking about how the walk I took was nice, but tiring; it dawned on me… I took a walk. I took a walk and was not afraid of having an accident.

I used to be constantly aware of my colon. That may sound odd, but when you have ulcers through out the lining of one of your major digestive organs, it is hard to not be aware of it. I used to always worry that something might happen when I was grocery shopping or when I was walking somewhere, or other such things. But, although I have other discomforts for the moment, worry is not one of them.

It is so easy to be distracted by those other discomforts. Currently I have a colostomy bag. I hate it. I have been letting that hate overwhelm me. I have been letting the pain associated with it distract me from the good that the surgery has done for me. The pain associated with it is no where near as horrible as the pain associated with ulcerative colitis. I currently have restrictions, but those will soon end.

I WENT FOR A WALK WITH NO FEAR YESTERDAY!!!!! It was wonderful, oh so wonderful. My son was chattering away and thoroughly enjoying himself. Oh the Joy, oh the happiness. Let’s focus on that. Let’s find something everyday that will make us smile and want to dance with joy. It doesn’t matter if it is as small as seeing a beautiful flower, or if it is as big as hearing a friend is going to join the mother hood club. Find Joy. I think I need to write that and put it on the mirror in my bathroom.

Find Joy today.

Thursday, July 22, 2010


Whew- I am tired. You want to guess what made me so tired. I picked up some clothing off the floor to put it in a laundry basket (thanks to my honey); I cleaned the mold off of my sons bedroom window; I but his cloths away and watered my dying tomato plants; A total of 10 minutes. It is amazing what having a part of our body removed will do to our energy level. It has been about 5 weeks, and it does not take very long to wear me out still…

I have had several emotional break downs due to this choice I made. I realized after a conversation with my husband what it was due to (at least in part). I was worried about what he thought of the colostomy bag. I was worried how it would affect our intimacy. I found out that I was the only one whom it bothered. I still am getting emotional about it. I knew that he loved me… but when he told me that my bag did not bother him, well I just can’t put words to it. Something that I find absolutely disgusting doesn’t bother him one bit. He still finds me sexy. After five years of marriage, my love and respect of this man I call my husband deepened.

I have always been emotionally insecure. I think that is why I was so worried about how he might react to this time that I have to have the bag.

I do my best to ignore the little nagging feelings that increase this emotional insecurity. But it is not always easy; and has been the cause of a few of the marital arguments that we all have. But as I write this, the times that this man, the man I love, said to me that he loved me in the midst of those arguments, I realize that I have been given a gift that is the first best gift I have ever received.

I also realize that I let the day to trivialities that bombard me stand in the way of my letting this gift know just how much I appreciate his love.

I think that God is taking this time of physical recovery to heal me emotional and bring to my attention the areas that I need to focus on. And I am going to do my darndest to not beat myself up for losing sight of the important things in life!!! (which I am very good at doing).

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Returning to work

I went to my surgeon yesterday. He said that I can go back to work on the 9th of August. I have mixed feelings about it. I am tired of being at home 24 7, but I am not looking forward to returning to an 8 hour day 40 our week. I think a 30 hour week would be nicer. Oh well, that is life.

I get to pick my son up again. Although since I am still on pain killers, I am to be very careful, but not picking up this little guy has been torture:

I am setting up my Etsy site, it is just proving to be a little more time intensive than intended. Here are a few shots of my product:

Well, I am rather brain dead today, so that is all for today.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Pain Killers Are a Good Thing

Pain killers are a good thing; especially when someone is recovering from major surgery. If someone who is recovering from said surgery does not take pain killers it could result in an emotional meltdown. How do I know? I know due to the fact that I am the said someone. Today is a better day. I took pain killers. Yay for modern medicine! I may hate the fact that I have a colostomy bag for at least 2 more months, but at least I have people to remind me that the end result is what I am looking forward to. I will be Ulcerative Colitis free. I will be able to go for walks, exercise, and do other stuff. I need to make a short mantra that I can repeat to myself when I am having melt downs.

Other than the realization that pain killers are a good thing, I realized one other thing as I was drifting off to sleep last night. This realization saddened me a great deal. I forgot the one being that could comfort me beyond any human being, God…. I forgot… how could I forget?

I have never been one who was good a devotionals and spending time in the word. But I have always been a prayer. I am ashamed to say that I have not done so in far too long (other than last night). I have felt empty and alone. That is not a good feeling, and not a necessary one. God is the one person who can remove all of those things.

So, what do I do? I refocus, I take this time that I have and turn it too Him. I do not have to work and I really can’t do too much around the house yet. This is a gift. I am going to use it.

Monday, July 12, 2010

My Best Friend Maia

Monday, July 5, 2010

A Sad Day.

Today we had to make a sad decision. One that I knew would eventually come. Just not this soon. We put Maia down. The poor girl was suffering and not eating her food which is the only way she would get her meds. Mike laid her down in my lap and she was shivering and scared. My heart was breaking. I am not sure it has hit me yet. Occasionally I start to cry but then I stop. I just can't seem to get beyond the inital tears. She was my first dog. She was my beenie baby and now she is gone. I hope it doesn't hit too hard.

Friday, July 2, 2010

I Warn You. This one Kind of Rambles

My Puppy... Okay she's not a puppy any more I am very very sad. My sweet crazy loving mini dauchshund is having some medical problems. Dachshunds are known for there spine problems that usually occur later in their lives. This is fairly young for these problems to occur. Nonetheless my sweet girl can't move her back legs very well and is in lain. She shivers all the time and is so sad. She is normally a vital active dog who loves to play. Please please pray for her recovery. I don't want to think about the other option. Basically right now my family has a lot going on. Almost too much for my husband. He can handle a whole heck of a lot but with my recovery and my beenie baby's health problems he has meet his limit. He just loves our dog so much. She was our first 'kid'.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

A Thing Of Beauty

...a thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit.

What is beautiful to one, may be ugly to another. What exalts the mind or spirit for one may have no affect on the next person. This thought came to me as I was looking for a new background for this blog. Some of the pictures were 'nice' while others were beautiful. The one that exalted my mind and spirit and gave my senses a great deal of pleasure was the stack of old books. I love old books; reading them; smelling them; looking at them and just plain owning them.

I began to think of what was beautiful to me. I looked it up in my good friend Webster so that I could better answer the self asked question.

As I sit in my hospital bed, recovering from a major surgery, the answer will be slightly different. Beauty, right now, means that I am not running to the bathroom every 10-30 minutes. It means that I am not constantly aware of my disease body part. It means that I can go on walks with my family, with out worrying about where the bathrooms are....

Beauty is freedom from my disease.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

The Time Grows Closer

In eight days I will be going in for major surgery. I know that in the past I have talked a little about the reason for this. But I feel the need to divulge more. Maybe it will be a cathartic experience, allowing me to release some of the anxiety I am feeling at the thought of what I am about to do. Maybe I just need to tell my story and all the ways it has affected me.

To start with, I have Ulcerative Colitis, (to find out more detailed info click here). I, however, will give a brief description. I have ulcers in my colon (70% of it to be exact). What this means to me is, when I have to go, you better get out of my way. And the accidents that I have had, well lets just not talk about that. Things that others take for granted, such as going for a nice walk, going to the park, riding a bike, or even going grocery shopping without having to leave your cart and drag your infant/toddler to the bathroom with you all the while hoping you do not have one of those ‘accidents’, those are things that I cannot do without worry.

In my desperate search for an ‘answer’ to my problem, I have been on a number of medicines that have done little to nothing, Prednisone being the one that has had the ‘best’ results. When I say best, I am only saying that it has kept me out of the hospital, along with allowing me to not have those dreaded accidents as frequently as I might without. Prednisone has been referred to by some as a ‘devil’ drug. Well, let me tell you, the side effects may not be pleasant, and its long term affects are undesirable, but the short term affects have been what have held me together. The negative side effects have been as follows: 1. Pudgy face. 2. Increased appetite hence increased weight. 3. Anxiety (for me that means increased anxiety). 4. Hyper activity (insane desire to clean house at odd hours of the day) and 5. Occasional difficulty getting to sleep, and not to mention the effects of decreasing and going off the drug. For some reason those have been more severe for me as I attempt to go off of it in preparation for my surgery. Apparently I suffer from severe allergies, and guess what else prednisone is used for…. Allergy sufferers. So, as I go off prednisone, let the allergy issues commence.

The issues with the medication, and lack of the ability to find one that works is one of the major contributing factors in my resolve to have this surgery. Among the other reasons, is a little boy, named Ronin… the most adorable boy in the whole world.

When I had him it was probably the happiest moment next to marrying his daddy. Then I had to go to the bathroom… and let me tell you, when you have to put your infant down to run to the bathroom, all the while hearing him scream… it is not fun. I want to be able to take my little man to the park, to the zoo, and other fun places with out wondering if I am okay, or if they have enough restrooms. I want to go on road trips with my husband and son, and not worry that we might not make it to the next rest stop… That is not how I want to live my life.

So… What exactly am I having done…. I am removing the problem. I am having my colon removed. Yes, it is extreme. But it is the only answer. Once its gone, well… I will not have Ulcerative colitis anymore. The actually process is two surgeries. The first is to remove the colon and create the ‘j-pouch’ which will eventually take the place of the colon, and the second is to re-attach everything. In the interim I will have a colostomy bag (not looking forward to this part) while the j-pouch heals. Once the j-pouch has healed, I will have it re-attached and then everything will be great….. I hope.

Frankly I am freaked out. I am NOT looking forward to the bag…. I am, however looking forward to the ‘recovery’ time, as I will be out of work!!!! I need to have the forced down time.
Well, for now that is it. I must return to work.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

They Grow Too Fast

Last night I walked onto the living room an saw my 17 month old son sitting in a chair playing with his computer (a broken laptop that Mike was unable to fix). oh how fast they grow.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Dear Lord....

Help me today as I do my best to be the best Mother, Wife, Worker, friend, and whatever else that you have called me to be.

Give me the strength I need to do all that you ask of me.

Give me the focus do attain all that I must, and the wisdom to know when to let things go.

Give me the Grace I need in all of my daily interactions.

Remind me of the reason that I am here, and that YOU are my center, and will guide me in all my ways as long as I am listening (help me to listen too.)

Thursday, February 25, 2010

I love being a mom

I was sitting at my desk, just working away, when I got a text from my husband stating that the bathroom door is fixed, and now will latch and stay shut. This made me very happy. Now why would this make me happy, you ask? Because, since the door does not latch, my son can get into the bathroom and partake in one of his new favorite past times, playing in water. Aside from the dog bowl, the toilet happens to be the next best thing. Which, in my personal opinion is gross. Granted, when he plays in the toilet water, he then gets to play in the sink, with water that flows... which always makes him very happy. I wonder if that is his ulterior motive??? Can a one year old have an ulterior motive?

Last night he was having fun just playing around, decided to take his sock of and hand it to dad... then proceed to play with dads foot, which included chopping down on it. Occasionally he attempts to gnaw on mommas arm as she is changing him or on her knee.. but never has he actually chomped down. Dads response was, of course, to scold him for it. He got this utterly surprised look on his face. You know the one (if you are a parent) "What I was just playing.. I didn't know it was wrong" and a few tears came to his eyes, but amazingly there was no major water works.... I guess he wasn't tired enough.

I thoroughly enjoy my son, even when he is fussy, because I have been blessed with a rather happy child. He is lovey, and sweet, and only throws major temper tantrums when he is 1. Tired, 2. Hungary 3. Teething, and occasionally 4. Poppy. I know that not all moms are blessed in such a way and my husband occasionally will comment that we are spoiled and next time we will have a fussy baby. I hope not, but will be thoroughly happy with what ever personality baby number two has (fyi, I am NOT pregnant, and do not intend on becoming so for another few years, I do NOT want any rumors going around wink wink).

Friday, February 19, 2010

A little Randomness

Life is crazy; but wonderful. It is full of the joyful, the mundane, the sad, the boring, the frustrating, the exhausting etcetera.

There are things in the past month that have fallen into all of those categories and more.

My in-laws are currently living with me… the frustrating. I enjoy them, and biblically speaking we are to help provide for “our own”. We are providing a home for them, but having four extra people in the house is a bit overwhelming for this mom who grew up in a very small family (me, mom, dad, and for a time Aaron). The constant bombardment of activity and noise is exhausting. On the positive side, my kitchen is cleaner than it has ever been. AND I do not have to cook dinner every night. AND there are others to keep an eye on my little man while I either hop in the shower or take breather.

My dear boy is making leaps and strides in discoveries. It is a joy, mingled with sadness. The sadness comes as I realize that it will not be too long before he is no longer a toddler… (insert heavy sigh here). The joy obviously comes with seeing the look on his face as he makes a new discovery. A few of his favorite things:

Peekaboo- the boy sure can get a good belly laugh going;

Playing with the water as it fills his bathtub- or when I wash his hands after he has escaped my view and played in the toilet water;

Brushing his teeth- and helping momma brush hers (I kindly declined his offer); drinking out of ‘big peoples cups’

Yelling at anyone who walks away, and often following them –this includes the dog;

Playing with the dog toys- and getting mad on occasion when Maia tries to take them back or play with them.

I could talk about my little man all day long. I miss him even when he is down the hall sleeping… (insert another heavy sigh here).

Work… normally I enjoy my job. But for some reason today has been the longest day ever and the motivation has been almost non-existent. I feel horrible for not having the motivation, and not focusing like I should, but honestly, I just don’t have it in me at the moment. I am tired… plum warn out.

On a lighter note, I intend to blog more often from home, so that I can actually post some pictures of my little man. I have some cute ones too. I have a project that I am working on that may become something that I put up here. We shall see…. I intend on collecting quotes and creating paintings around them. I have also toyed with the idea (today) of trying out doing it in a computer program…. We shall see what happens. If you have quotes, please, feel free to send them my way.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

A nice, relaxing weekend

There is a lot to be said about peace and quite... I did not realize how wonderful it was, until it was no longer in my day. Having my Husbands Parents and two youngest brothers living with us, peace and quite is not something I get very often, if at all (and it has only been 1 week out of 3 months). I went to my mom's this weekend and oh my what a wonderful time. I was able to relax and breath, and have peace...

Now if only I could find a place for that on a regular basis.... ear plugs just don't cut it.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

A New Chapter

A new chapter is about to open in my life. I say 'about' but really it will not happen for another four months, but the 'ball is rolling' on a major change.

I have a condition called Ulcerative Colitis in which, well lets just say alot of unpleasent things can occur when I am having a flare up.

I have been batteling this disease for the past 11 years (I could not believe that it had been that long since I was diagnosed). It has never been under control, which makes life a little difficult.

The new chapter is that I am going to have surgery to 'fix' or 'remove' the problem. Overall it is not going to be the most enjoyable process, but, once the two surgerys are complete, I will be able to function 'normally' which will be a wonderful thing.

June 23rd is the day that is slated for the surgery (tenative at this moment). But I just wanted to keep those who know updated, and those who don't know I wanted to let you all know....

If this sounds a bit disjointed, it is due to the fact that I think I got maybe 5 hours of sleep last night (in two small chuncks due to a teething little boy)....

Thursday, January 21, 2010

God is Bigger than our Problems

This is one of those posts that are written as an exercises in faith. I am doing my best to remember that God is in control. We must place our Faith in Him. If we do that, and we trust that he has a plan, then we will be okay. I am struggling with changes right now that are not ones I would choose. But I am doing my best to remember that sometimes, God brings about circumstances that are not what we would desire, in order to grow us. I may not want to grow.... not in this area at least, but due to the coming changes, I am reviewing my own self. I am taking a deeper look at how I approach my everyday, the attitude with which I do things. I have found some rather frustrating things out about myself, but I have also found out that there are things that I can do that I never thought I would be able to do.

I know I am being vague, and there are those who will read this that have an idea of what is going on. I have choosen to not talk about it out right at the moment, as it just frustrates me. But I will be fine. God is in control. God is in control!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

It Feels So Good... put a budget together. know where all your money is going. have folded laundry. see the smile on your baby boys face. know that your husband loves you.

(these are not in order of importance, just order of popping in my head)

Monday, January 11, 2010

To day was a good day

It has been very difficult for me to sit down and write anything of late. I feel as though there are certain expectations for what I put down on the page, whether it be type or hand written, there are things I am ‘supposed’ to do. What those things are, I am not sure of, who put them out there, I don’t know. But they are there…. Or at least that is how it feels. I know that I am the only one who has those unwritten expectations of myself. This is a theme in my life. I expect things to occur from my own shear will. But often I am disappointed that my omnipotence is, well, not existent. I am not the one who makes the world go round, and thank goodness for that. If I was, what a rather peculiar world that would be… a world that desires organization but doesn’t seem to have it to any extant. Okay I will strike that last part, I am beginning to get that much desired organization, granted it is out of shear necessity and it is currently rather shaky, but it is almost there.

Let me start from the beginning regarding the much desired organization. I am an artist, artist are generally known for their creative and some what messy nature. I am also slightly obsessive when it comes to cleanliness. Now I have realized that the desire to be clean is not always the same as the desire to be organized. As hard as I try there is always a pile of ‘stuff I need to get to’ and that will forever drive me bonkers. I hope to, by the end of the day, finish a self assigned amount of tasks, I gather the stack of papers, pile of laundry, whatever it is that I have set my mind to, into one location… there in is my problem… I try and do it ALL in one day. I manage to get through half and then my body give way. My mind says “your done” and I can literally do no more. I am left with maybe two baskets of laundry left to fold, and a mess. How can my goal to clean create such a mess…. That is a paradox that I wish some day to come to the bottom of, but currently to not care to add that to my to do list for fear I will only get through half of it and it will be an even bigger paradox when I am done.

I did come to one realization. It is about mindset. Now you might say that that is not a very original realization. Or you might ask how could I have not come to that realization before???? It is not that I have not come to the realization before. It is just that until today I have not chosen to act upon that realization. To actually change my mindset and see what would happen. And let me tell you…. It made a huge difference in my day. I woke up at 4 am this morning, and I knew that I would not be able to go back to sleep for a number of reasons. I chose to stay up, knowing that that would be the most beneficial thing to do. And it was. I accomplished a lot while my home was asleep, and I had some ‘me’ time to think about how I was going to approach the day. It was in those few short hours that I said to myself “Today is to be a good day, because I am going to make it a good day.” I went to work and had a good attitude. I got two phone calls where I was chewed out for things that others had done, and I still had a good day. I am exhausted, and had a very fussy little man and a very tired grumpy not so little man… but I still had a good day.

I have chosen to change the way I think not only about how I approach the day, but how I approach myself, and those ever mounting tasks. I cannot do it on my own (as can be seen by the three large baskets of laundry in my laundry room and the pile of ‘to be filed’ items on my desk… but hey, at least the dishes in the dishwasher are clean, and the pile to go in is manageable. Right? That is what it is about, how do you perceive your life? Is it a bunch of insurmountable tasks that never go away, or is it things that will get done when you can get to them and the thought of what you have already worked your way through? I choose the latter, it is a lot more appealing and less discouraging. Cause I am not perfect… and in my lack of perfection there will be tons to do… and I just need to sit down and enjoy what I am able to do, and let the rest go…. Not there yet. But someday, I will be able to fully kick back and enjoy my mess.