Monday, January 11, 2010

To day was a good day

It has been very difficult for me to sit down and write anything of late. I feel as though there are certain expectations for what I put down on the page, whether it be type or hand written, there are things I am ‘supposed’ to do. What those things are, I am not sure of, who put them out there, I don’t know. But they are there…. Or at least that is how it feels. I know that I am the only one who has those unwritten expectations of myself. This is a theme in my life. I expect things to occur from my own shear will. But often I am disappointed that my omnipotence is, well, not existent. I am not the one who makes the world go round, and thank goodness for that. If I was, what a rather peculiar world that would be… a world that desires organization but doesn’t seem to have it to any extant. Okay I will strike that last part, I am beginning to get that much desired organization, granted it is out of shear necessity and it is currently rather shaky, but it is almost there.

Let me start from the beginning regarding the much desired organization. I am an artist, artist are generally known for their creative and some what messy nature. I am also slightly obsessive when it comes to cleanliness. Now I have realized that the desire to be clean is not always the same as the desire to be organized. As hard as I try there is always a pile of ‘stuff I need to get to’ and that will forever drive me bonkers. I hope to, by the end of the day, finish a self assigned amount of tasks, I gather the stack of papers, pile of laundry, whatever it is that I have set my mind to, into one location… there in is my problem… I try and do it ALL in one day. I manage to get through half and then my body give way. My mind says “your done” and I can literally do no more. I am left with maybe two baskets of laundry left to fold, and a mess. How can my goal to clean create such a mess…. That is a paradox that I wish some day to come to the bottom of, but currently to not care to add that to my to do list for fear I will only get through half of it and it will be an even bigger paradox when I am done.

I did come to one realization. It is about mindset. Now you might say that that is not a very original realization. Or you might ask how could I have not come to that realization before???? It is not that I have not come to the realization before. It is just that until today I have not chosen to act upon that realization. To actually change my mindset and see what would happen. And let me tell you…. It made a huge difference in my day. I woke up at 4 am this morning, and I knew that I would not be able to go back to sleep for a number of reasons. I chose to stay up, knowing that that would be the most beneficial thing to do. And it was. I accomplished a lot while my home was asleep, and I had some ‘me’ time to think about how I was going to approach the day. It was in those few short hours that I said to myself “Today is to be a good day, because I am going to make it a good day.” I went to work and had a good attitude. I got two phone calls where I was chewed out for things that others had done, and I still had a good day. I am exhausted, and had a very fussy little man and a very tired grumpy not so little man… but I still had a good day.

I have chosen to change the way I think not only about how I approach the day, but how I approach myself, and those ever mounting tasks. I cannot do it on my own (as can be seen by the three large baskets of laundry in my laundry room and the pile of ‘to be filed’ items on my desk… but hey, at least the dishes in the dishwasher are clean, and the pile to go in is manageable. Right? That is what it is about, how do you perceive your life? Is it a bunch of insurmountable tasks that never go away, or is it things that will get done when you can get to them and the thought of what you have already worked your way through? I choose the latter, it is a lot more appealing and less discouraging. Cause I am not perfect… and in my lack of perfection there will be tons to do… and I just need to sit down and enjoy what I am able to do, and let the rest go…. Not there yet. But someday, I will be able to fully kick back and enjoy my mess.

1 comment:

joyq said...

found it and love it:)