Realizations

Whew- I am tired. You want to guess what made me so tired. I picked up some clothing off the floor to put it in a laundry basket (thanks to my honey); I cleaned the mold off of my sons bedroom window; I but his cloths away and watered my dying tomato plants; A total of 10 minutes. It is amazing what having a part of our body removed will do to our energy level. It has been about 5 weeks, and it does not take very long to wear me out still…

I have had several emotional break downs due to this choice I made. I realized after a conversation with my husband what it was due to (at least in part). I was worried about what he thought of the colostomy bag. I was worried how it would affect our intimacy. I found out that I was the only one whom it bothered. I still am getting emotional about it. I knew that he loved me… but when he told me that my bag did not bother him, well I just can’t put words to it. Something that I find absolutely disgusting doesn’t bother him one bit. He still finds me sexy. After five years of marriage, my love and respect of this man I call my husband deepened.

I have always been emotionally insecure. I think that is why I was so worried about how he might react to this time that I have to have the bag.

I do my best to ignore the little nagging feelings that increase this emotional insecurity. But it is not always easy; and has been the cause of a few of the marital arguments that we all have. But as I write this, the times that this man, the man I love, said to me that he loved me in the midst of those arguments, I realize that I have been given a gift that is the first best gift I have ever received.

I also realize that I let the day to trivialities that bombard me stand in the way of my letting this gift know just how much I appreciate his love.

I think that God is taking this time of physical recovery to heal me emotional and bring to my attention the areas that I need to focus on. And I am going to do my darndest to not beat myself up for losing sight of the important things in life!!! (which I am very good at doing).