From the Heart

I have a pit in my stomach… it is that inexplicable feeling that is akin to missing something.  As it is inexplicable, putting words to it seems somewhat redundant… if I could put words to it, I might not have it.  Overall it is an amalgamation of stress, fear, frustration and excitement.  I am at a cross roads in my life, aren’t we always though?  I am at a place that requires an income of some sort sooner rather than later. I am also at a place where I don’t want to do what is required for said income… plain and simple.  I realize that if we were not in debt I would not be here. We could make ends meet and live comfortably while I pursue my creativity as a source of income without the pressures of a deadline.

That said, who is to say I cannot pursue my creativity as a source of income while searching for the ‘normal’ job that is expected of me by some?  No one, no one but myself that is.

I am a talented person, who is creative and can learn quickly and easily many different things. I can crochet, cook and am picking up knitting and sewing, I am a writer, and an artist… so what is the problem. The problem is I am repeating what was told me earlier today by a dear friend.  There is a disconnect somewhere in my being. I may be good at all of those things, “but what does that matter?” I often ask myself.  Or the other question is “how do I make something of it?”  I feel at a loss.  I feel as though it does not matter that I am good at all those things, and that is sad… and unfair.  Who is it unfair to, you may ask?  It is unfair to my creator, the one who gave me the ability to do each and every thing that I am good at.

As I type that, the parable of the talent’s comes to mind.  I master gave his servants some money (then called talent’s) and told them to take care of it. One buried it while another invested it…. (this is paraphrased and not so well I am sure).  The moral of the story is that God gave us talents to invest, not to squander and hide, or bury as the man did in the parable.

My talent’s are gifts. My gifts are to be used and shared with others. I am to present them to people as a form of worship.  It is a revelation that I have been coming to for some time.  It is also something that scares the ba-jeebes out of me.  What if…. This always pops into my head at those times when I am about to embark on a new journey, and often keeps my feet firmly planted in the ‘do nothing’ spot far longer than I care to admit.

My hearts desire is to do the lords will.  I love my creativity. I pray that following in a path that allows me to use it to bring in income to my family therefore allowing me to be the best wife and mother possible is God’s desire for me.  I am taking a step out from that ‘do nothing’ spot.  As I said to my friend many many years ago ‘I need a scene of changery…. Wait no, a change of scenery’. So here’s to a scene of changery, whatever that means to my life now…. Lord Change my Scenery.