Thursday, March 10, 2011

What do you Think?

Some days I wake up and well, I don’t really want to be awake. Not just because I am tired, but because I have no motivation. Some might call it depression, but I have a hard time with that word. Not that I am saying it is a bad word, I just feel as though that word does not correctly describe what is going on. Yes, I have had days where I was depressed, but to label myself as someone who suffers from depression on a regular basis does not seem accurate.

I feel the need to purge my mind of this ‘issue’ that I am sure so many suffer from; lack of motivation, and its source. There is so much that I want to do, the list fluctuates from day to day, but overall there is so many things I want to be when I grow up (yes I know, 33 is already grown up). My lack of motivation comes from this desire to be so many things. It seems counterintuitive, but there you have it.

When someone has so many dreams, where does she start in achieving even one of those dreams? That is the question that holds me back. Some of my dreams are wonderful, but require more than I currently have to achieve, another thing that holds me back…

I am looking for encouragement. I am looking for an answer to that question, the one that haunts most of us, What am I. I have the easy titles, Daughter, Friend, Wife, Mother. Those are part of my essence, things that are constant and require very little from me to accomplish. But beyond that, What am I?

Since the recent loss of my job, I have enjoyed the title, Stay at Home Mom. I love that title, but with the economy the way that it is, and the possibility of a major paycut in my husbands income, this wonderful title will not last longer than my unemployment checks. I get the privilege of staying home for 2011. But once that is up, it is back to the grindstone… I get to become that dreaded title of “working mom.” In many ways this title is easier than Stay at Home Mom, but I want to be the one to raise my child, not the lady at daycare (all though she is a wonderful woman, and loves my child, she doesn’t love him like I do).

My mind keeps working out what I can do as a “working mom” that would make it something I do not dread. I want to work from home, but have no idea how to do it, especially with a toddler in tow. I have thought about selling my crafts on Etsy… but. I have thought about tutoring… but. I have thought about catering… but. I have thought about writing… but. But… that word is my enemy here. I want for so many things to happen. I want to be my own boss when the times for me to bring in some money, but… How.

My current journey is to remove the but from one of those above sentences. To find the thing that I am supposed to do. If it is not one of those above sentences, then I want to find the thing for me. And, I intend on focusing on God through it all, so that the stress level is gone. I have 9 months left before I must figure out how to replace my income.

My requests are prayer and recommendations. Please pray that God reveal to me his will for my life right now, and that he give me the confidence I need. Please feel free to leave recommendations and helpful suggestions. I don’t know how many readers I have, but if you read this, leave a comment. If you are new, and don’t even know me, please, leave a comment… I want to know what others are going through, what they think. I want to have a conversation.

1 comment:

Christie said...

First off, I love your new blog look! Super cool, love the fonts :) Have you read 1000 Gifts yet? The reason I ask is because she talks about not wanting to get out of bed in the morning for literal years. I think you will find it points you in the direction of seeking that you are also craving. I am praying for you, my friend. It is a priviledge.