Right now I am so exhausted! I want to write and update on my life, but I just don’t seem to have much energy of late.
Being a mom, while working at a full time job is very difficult. I feel that there is much that I must sacrifice. At time it is keeping the house clean, at others it is spending time with my Son (eventually laundry and dishes must be done). Along with this sacrifice comes a deep feeling of guilt. Am I a good Mom? Am I doing the best for my son? Could I be doing better? Most days it is easy to answer those questions, Yes I am a good mom, Yes, I am doing the best for my son, and Yes of course I could be doing better (God did NOT make me perfect).
But today… today is one of those difficult days where the thought of going to work tomorrow brings me to a point of tears, as I look at my son (who is currently attempting to eat the little mirror on his excersaucer). I wonder what I could do to make it possible for me to stay home. It has nothing to do with the lack of sleep I am getting, I don’t mind that, if I were a stay at home mom that would not change. It has everything to do with the fact that I thought I would not mind working and raising a baby. I thought it would be easy. I thought that I was not the type of person who would do well being a stay at home mom. But as I see my son grow every day I realize how wrong I was. I know that tomorrow or in a day or two, I will go back to being okay with being a working mom, realizing that it is the life I have chosen, and I will embrace it. But right now… right now is not that time.
I part with an adorable pictures of my little man (more to come later). The one I do not want to be parted from right now.
2 comments:
Weeel, girl...can I just encourage you to think about the things you really "need" versus what you only "want." If you have to do with less to be able to stay home with little Ronin it is sooo worth it! They are only little for such a short while. You blink and they are in school and then heck, they are married. I have never regreted staying at home... you might have to eat Ramen Nooodles two nights a week but, Ronin will always have you for the formative years. You can do it!
I would like to make an ammendment to my post.. I do not have a choice at this point to not work, my husband does not make enough money to even pay the bare minium of our bills. And Ronin loves daycare, spending time with the other kids, and I love my job and am greatful for it at this difficult time in the economy. I just need to learn to let go of the unimportant things that are getting in the way of me enjoying what I have. I do intend to work towards staying home for the next kiddo in a couple of year, but until then I must focus on my blessings and let go of any guilt I have. It is a struggle, but when God sees fit to provide enough for me to stay home, That is when I will be able to stay home.
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