Monday, June 13, 2011

It can be a good thing.

This past week, as I drove along or pushed my cart down the grocery aisles, I started to feel anxious, sad, depressed by what I saw. Yet the sights were no different than what I normally saw in previous weeks. I also began to feel like a failure, getting more emotional when anything 'not good' happened. I cried more and fought more, and just plain wanted to curl up in a ball and do nothing but sit there. I cried out to God for help...

It was after a few days of this and crying out to God that I realized something. I was missing something. I had not taken my medication in about a week. I am on zoloft and welbutrin for two reasons. 1. I get anxious and then depressed. 2. I have ADD.

Now some might say that I need to get it under control without meds, that they are not good for you. Once upon a time I agreed with this. Then I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis, which is aggravated by anxiety and depression. I could no longer just believe that I would suddenly be cured of my anxiety and depression. It was affecting my physical well being, and so I started taking medication, and WOW what a difference that medication has made.

Although I have had surgery to remove my colon and am free of the holds of that disease, I still take the medication. I realize that when I do not take it my desire to function no longer exists. (And no, suicide has NEVER crossed my mind)

My ability to react in a semi-level headed manner is also reduced. I feel like 'whats the point' even as my kitchen stinks due to my avoidance of cleaning it.

This is a real problem, one that I struggle with on a daily basis. It can affect my family in such a negative way, and even as I cry out to God, if I do not do what he has shown will help me, nothing will fix it. God gave someone the ability to create this medication, one that helps me not only feel less depressed and anxious, but one that helps me to focus. I embrace this gift that He has lead me to. I do not abuse it (or else I would not have the periods that I forget to take it). I do not let it rule my life. I let it work in my life allowing me to be a better person. I have tried for many years to get the balance on my own, avoiding this gift of God. I felt that it was a crutch, and in a way it is, but it is one that I am willing to lean on because God put it there for me to lean on. And I am a better person for it. Medication can be a good thing.

1 comment:

Christie said...

I too, believe medication is a miracle. I think it is so sad how many gifted people suffered through out history because medical breakthroughs had not yet been made. Thank you for sharing this, Jani girl. :)